How A Pastor’s Daughter Was Helped

Joshua Agan Parents, Pastors, Person 0 Comments

Below is a letter we received from a young lady who read our book. It is encouraging to see how God works.

Not long ago, I found myself at the end of my rope. I knew Jesus, but I didn’t know what to do. I was involved in a same sex relationship, and I didn’t want it to end.

My daddy is an assistant pastor and I had became a Christian at an early age as well. Yet, I struggled with my identity and why I felt the way I did for a long time. I developed a sexual attraction that I couldn’t get over. I tried to date men, but it was no use, I felt nothing. I was turned off by guys.

I have always been outgoing and adventurous. I loved what most girls love. Yet, underneath all the “femininity” and “normalcy” I was struggling. I didn’t find guys sexually attractive and I doubted my sexuality. My freshman year of high school, I had a non-physical, emotionally dependent relationship with another girl, which lasted a year. It scared me to death because I developed a romantic love for her. I tried to dismiss it as nothing more than a deep friendship, but I knew the feelings I had were wrong.

However, by my senior year in high school, I became sexually active. I felt a sense of freedom and acted out my fantasies and feelings. I had an emotional and physical affair with another girl. Initially, It felt incredible, and yet at the same time I felt wrong.

It’s difficult to explain how a person can feel euphoric and ashamed at the same time, but I did. After high school, I tried to reconcile my Christianity with my sexuality. I fought myself. I fought with God. I prayed. I cried a lot. I felt defeated. I questioned him and I begged him. I read all the books I could find that were for me and my lifestyle. I wanted to find peace, but couldn’t. I even attended a gay-friendly church.

However, I understood enough Scripture to know what was true and what wasn’t. I wasn’t receiving truth.

My depression only increased because God was making it clear as I read Scripture that He did not approve of my actions.

I wanted my feelings to over-rule what I knew to be true.

For me to surrender my sexual behavior to God was like someone telling me that I didn’t deserve to be loved. I truly felt like I would never experience love. I was afraid and angry.

The Lord was making it clear to me that the sexual relationship I was in must stop. I cried uncontrollably. Why would God not want me happy?

Why would he make me such a messed up person? I wondered what sin I committed to deserve this punishment.

You can’t imagine the pain of thinking you will always be lonely and broken.

My family never stopped praying for me and I’ve learned that God always answers prayer.

My relationship came to a sudden end, and yes, I was devastated, but my family didn’t ignore my hurt. They comforted me. I didn’t know how to respond. I thought they would act cold and indifferent toward my suffering, but they cried with me. Their reaction puzzled me but it moved me more than any fight we ever had over my sexuality.

I wanted to know what was behind it. Why were they acting so kind? My daddy gave me a book titled “Born That Way After All”. One look at the title and I thought my parents had flipped. I had never heard anything like it before. But I knew what I was reading was true. I knew it was me.

I will admit, It was not easy. My lesbianism had become my identity. It had become my safe answer for coworkers and friends. I still feared being alone, and I was tempted. I felt alone at church and wanted the affection that I saw others experiencing. Yet, even with these fears and temptations, a miracle took place; everything I was longing for and aching for was found in Jesus!

Believe me, I know how that sounds. When people used to make statements like this to me, I only heard blah noise blah, but once you experience it, you know it’s true. Jesus is passionate and compassionate.

His love is deep. He knows how I needed to be loved too.

His love lead me to obedience, and that obedience lead me to wholeness.

Even though I trusted in Christ and loved him as a little girl, what I never before knew was how he created me and gifted me. I am His. He longed to take care of me and be everything in my life a husband or father or brother could be; my provider, protector, and lover. No father, brother, or husband could do a better job than Jesus!

— Amy A.

Joshua Agan

Joshua Agan

Relational Identity Coach at inCourage Counseling Center
Joshua is a former website developer and currently travels to speak and teach across the country. He is the author of the forthcoming book "Reclaim the Rainbow: How to Reach and Restore the LGBT Community." He specializes in helping those who are in conflict with their sexual identity, and teaches churches how they can effectively reach the gay community.
Joshua Agan

@tjoshuaagan

Writer, speaker, and missionary to the gay community.
When I face great affliction, I just take delight in God's Word [Psalm 119:92] - 5 months ago
Joshua Agan
Joshua Agan

Latest posts by Joshua Agan (see all)

There are no comments

Join The Conversation